What Should Parents Say After a Gymnastics Meet? The Car Ride Home Matters More Than You Think
By Daniel Gundert, Owner & CEO, North County Gymnastics & The Gyminny Kids | Former Gymnast | National Gymnastics Judge | Coach | Parent of Competitive Gymnasts
Featured Snippet: What should parents say after a gymnastics meet? Often, less is more. Learn why "I loved watching you compete" may be one of the most powerful things you can say, and how the car ride home can shape your gymnast's confidence, resilience, and long-term love of the sport.
If there is one piece of advice I could give parents of competitive gymnasts, it would be this:
Be careful what you say in the car ride home.
I say that from several different perspectives.
I grew up in gymnastics. I was a gymnast myself. I have spent most of my adult life coaching the sport, judged gymnastics at the national level, and spent decades running North County Gymnastics and Gyminny Kids while watching thousands of children progress through the sport.
But perhaps the perspective that has taught me the most is being a dad.
I have raised competitive gymnasts myself, and I have experienced gymnastics from the other side of the railing. I know what it feels like to invest enormous amounts of time, energy, travel, money, and emotion into your child's gymnastics. I know how badly you want them to succeed. I know how easy it is to watch a routine and immediately start thinking about what went wrong, what could have been better, or what needs to happen next.
I've also learned that knowing gymnastics doesn't always make parenting a gymnast easier.
Sometimes it makes it harder.
And over the years, both as a coach and as a father, I have become increasingly convinced that one of the most important moments of a competition happens after the competition is already over.
It's the car ride home.
The Best Thing You Can Say After a Gymnastics Meet
It doesn't need to be complicated.
"I loved watching you compete."
That's it.
You can tell them you're proud of their effort. You can tell them you loved watching them support their teammates. You can ask them what they thought about the meet.
But they probably don't need an immediate evaluation.
I've made this mistake myself.
When you understand gymnastics, it's almost impossible not to see the corrections. You see the bent legs. You know where the deductions came from. You know the routine wasn't what you've seen them do in practice.
But I've learned that just because I see something doesn't mean I need to say something.
Especially not immediately.
Your gymnast already knows they fell off beam.
They know they missed the handstand.
They know they didn't stick the dismount.
Their coach knows too.
The technical evaluation can wait.
Science Supports What Many Coaches Learn Through Experience
This isn't just my opinion.
Researchers have studied parental involvement in youth sports for decades, and the general picture is remarkably consistent: parents matter enormously, but how they are involved matters as much as how much they are involved.
A systematic review published in 2023 examined 29 peer-reviewed studies involving more than 9,000 young athletes. Researchers identified positive goals and values, autonomy-supportive parenting, moderate parental involvement, positive parent-child relationships, and a task-focused motivational climate as optimal approaches for supporting young athletes.
In other words, children tend to benefit when the emphasis is placed more on learning, effort, development, and their own ownership of the sport than on external control and outcomes.
That is especially important in gymnastics.
I've Been the Coach, and I've Been the Dad
This distinction became much clearer to me once my own children became competitive gymnasts.
As a coach, my responsibility is obvious.
I am supposed to see the mistakes.
I am supposed to analyze the routine.
I am supposed to tell an athlete what needs to improve.
That's my job.
As a dad, my job is different.
That sounds obvious until you're sitting in the stands and watching your own child compete.
I've spent my life looking at gymnastics through a technical lens. I can watch a routine and immediately start analyzing it. But my child doesn't necessarily need another coach when the meet ends.
They need a dad.
That's a distinction I've had to learn myself, and I think it's one of the hardest things for knowledgeable sports parents to understand.
The more you know about the sport, the more tempting it can be to coach your child.
Sometimes being a great sports parent means deliberately choosing not to use everything you know.
The Athlete-Coach-Parent Triangle
I like to think about competitive gymnastics as a triangle.
The athlete competes.
The coach coaches.
The parent supports.
When those roles are clear, the relationship generally works much better.
When they begin overlapping, problems can develop.
I've seen it countless times during my coaching career. A gymnast finishes practice and receives one set of corrections from the coach, then gets into the car and receives another coaching session from Mom or Dad.
Now the child has two coaches.
Sometimes those messages agree.
Sometimes they don't, and that becomes very confusing to the athlete.
Either way, home begins to feel like an extension of the gym and that's where we see the beginings of burn out and fear issues including mental blocks.
Children need somewhere they can stop performing.
Home and the car ride home, should be that place.
What Young Athletes Actually Want From Their Parents
Research examining young athletes' preferences reinforces this idea.
In one study interviewing adolescent female athletes, researchers found that athletes wanted different things from parents before, during, and after competition. Before competition, they generally wanted practical support and a calm environment. During competition, they preferred positive, non-intrusive support rather than technical coaching. Afterward, they wanted feedback to be realistic, positively framed, and delivered at an appropriate time.
Timing matters.
Something may need to be discussed eventually.
That doesn't mean it needs to be discussed five minutes after the meet.
Ask Questions Instead of Giving Answers
One change I've learned as a parent is to let the athlete tell me about the experience before I tell them what I thought.
Give it some time first, then you can,
Ask:
"What was your favorite part?"
"What are you most proud of?"
"How did you feel about your meet?"
"What did you learn?"
"Was there anything that surprised you?"
"What are you excited to work on next?"
Then listen.
This is harder than it sounds.
As adults, we naturally want to teach. We want to fix. We want to help our children avoid mistakes.
But a well-defined problem is already halfway solved, and sometimes children need the opportunity to define the problem themselves.
If we immediately tell them everything we saw, we may rob them of the chance to reflect, think critically, and take ownership of their gymnastics.
What If They Had a Terrible Meet?
This may be when the car ride matters most.
Gymnastics is a sport built around failure.
You can do everything correctly in training and still fall in competition.
You can spend months learning a skill and suddenly lose it.
You can be the favorite to win and have the worst meet of your season.
You can perform beautifully and still not get the score you expected.
As a coach, I've watched thousands of athletes go through these moments. As a parent, I've watched my own children experience them.
My instinct as a father is the same instinct most parents have.
I want to make it better.
But I've come to believe that we shouldn't always make disappointment disappear.
Sometimes disappointment is doing important work.
Gymnastics gives children an opportunity to experience failure in a relatively safe environment. They learn that they can fall, cry, be frustrated, go home, wake up the next day, return to the gym, and keep working.
If your gymnast is disappointed, let them be disappointed.
You don't have to tell them the judges were wrong.
You don't have to blame the equipment.
You don't have to explain why someone else shouldn't have beaten them.
You don't even have to convince them they had a good meet.
Sometimes:
"I know that hurts. I loved watching you compete, and I'm proud of you."
is enough.
Praise and Understanding Matter
Research supports this approach as well.
A study of 317 youth soccer players examined parental behaviors including praise and understanding, directive behavior, and pressure. Researchers found that praise and understanding made the largest unique contribution to several positive outcomes, including overall life-skill development, teamwork, goal setting, and leadership.
An earlier study of young competitive tennis players also found that parental support was significantly associated with greater enjoyment of the sport.
The sport changes.
The underlying relationship doesn't.
Children want to know that the people they love are with them, not grading them.
Be Careful With Scores
Gymnastics parents understandably become obsessed with numbers.
9.1.
9.4.
9.7.
First place.
Fifth place.
State qualifier.
Regional qualifier.
National qualifier.
I understand it. I've spent decades in a sport where tenths matter, and I've been on the judging side of that equation too.
But scores are information.
They aren't identity.
A gymnast can perform better than last week and receive a lower score.
A gymnast can make an important breakthrough that never appears in the standings.
A gymnast can win a meet and still have performed below their capability.
This is why I've increasingly tried to look beyond the scoreboard.
Did you compete aggressively?
Did you respond well after a mistake?
Did you support your teammates?
Did you do something you were afraid to do?
Did you trust your training?
Did you demonstrate character when things didn't go your way?
Those are measurements too.
And unlike the judge's score, most of them are within the athlete's control.
Don't Compare Your Child to Another Gymnast
This is another trap I've seen throughout my life in gymnastics.
Why did she score higher?
Why does he already have that skill?
Why did she move up?
Why isn't my child progressing as quickly?
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Gymnastics makes comparison especially tempting because athletes compete next to children their own age and level while scores are displayed for everyone to see.
But development isn't linear.
I've watched athletes who looked extraordinary at young ages disappear from the sport.
I've also watched children struggle for years and eventually become outstanding optional-level gymnasts.
One child develops strength first.
Another develops flexibility.
Another develops air awareness.
Another doesn't physically mature until later.
You don't know how the story ends from one meet, one season, or one level.
Help your child compete against who they were yesterday instead of constantly comparing themselves to the gymnast standing next to them.
The Ride to the Meet Matters Too
The same principle applies before competition.
I've heard versions of these comments countless times:
"Don't fall."
"Remember to point your toes."
"Make sure you stick."
"Don't forget what your coach told you."
Think about what we're actually communicating.
The gymnast was probably already thinking about those things.
Now we've added another person they feel responsible for satisfying.
Instead:
"Have fun."
"I can't wait to watch you."
"Go enjoy competing with your team."
That's enough.
Let the coach coach.
Parental Pressure Can Change the Experience
This doesn't mean parents shouldn't care about excellence.
I certainly do.
I believe in high standards. I believe children can do more than they sometimes realize. I believe in discipline, accountability, hard work, and doing difficult things.
Supporting children doesn't mean removing expectations.
But there is a difference between high expectations and making a child feel that our approval depends on the result.
Research examining parental involvement in youth sports has repeatedly highlighted that distinction. A broad review of sport-parenting research concluded that effective sport parenting involves developmentally appropriate support, emotional self-management during competition, healthy relationships with coaches, and adapting parental involvement as athletes mature.
More recent research examining parent- and coach-created motivational climates has similarly found meaningful differences in athletes' enjoyment and stress depending on whether the environment emphasized mastery and development or performance.
That doesn't mean winning is bad.
Winning is fun.
Goals matter.
Competition matters.
Learning how to pursue excellence matters.
The question is whether the child believes:
"I want to succeed."
or:
"I have to succeed so the adults around me will be happy."
What I Want My Own Children to Remember
I've spent an enormous percentage of my life inside gymnastics gyms.
My children have spent a significant part of their childhoods there too.
There have been practices, injuries, breakthroughs, fears, competitions, victories, disappointments, long drives, flights, hotels, early mornings, late nights, and countless hours of training.
Of course I want them to succeed.
I'm competitive.
I want them to see what they're capable of.
But the older I get, the more I realize that gymnastics is temporary.
My relationship with my children isn't.
Twenty years from now, I don't want the defining memory of these years to be whether they got a 9.5 or a 9.7.
I want them to remember that I loved watching them.
I want them to know that when they succeeded, I was there.
And when they failed, I was still there.
The score changed.
My relationship with them didn't.
What Parents Can Praise After a Meet
Plenty of victories never appear on a results sheet.
Praise your gymnast for:
Getting back up after a fall
Competing a skill that scares them
Supporting a teammate
Showing good sportsmanship
Listening to their coach
Handling disappointment appropriately
Staying composed after a mistake
Performing with confidence
Working hard in the weeks leading up to competition
Showing courage when things didn't go according to plan
Those behaviors build more than gymnasts.
They build well-rounded humans.
Your Child Is More Than Their Gymnastics
Competitive gymnastics requires an extraordinary commitment from families.
Parents drive.
Parents pay.
Parents rearrange schedules.
Parents travel.
Parents sit through four-hour meets to watch approximately four to six minutes of gymnastics.
I understand why we become invested.
But that investment can create a subtle sense of ownership over the outcome.
We have to resist that.
The gymnastics belongs to them.
Your child's score doesn't determine whether the time and money you invested were worthwhile.
A 9.8 doesn't make your child more valuable.
A fall doesn't make them less valuable.
Making Level 10, qualifying to regionals or nationals, competing in college, or reaching the elite level can be extraordinary accomplishments.
But those accomplishments should add to who a child is.
They shouldn't become who the child is.
The Long Game
At North County Gymnastics and Gyminny Kids, we obviously want to develop excellent gymnasts.
We have pathways that can take children from their first gymnastics class through competitive gymnastics, Level 10, college opportunities, and elite training.
But gymnastics has always meant something bigger to me than gymnastics.
The sport provides a vehicle for teaching discipline, courage, resilience, accountability, teamwork, work ethic, and perseverance.
Some of the most valuable lessons happen precisely because everything didn't go according to plan.
As parents, our job isn't to remove every failure.
Sometimes our job is to provide enough love and stability that our children feel safe experiencing failure.
Then they learn they can overcome it.
So after your child's next meet, before breaking down the routines, criticizing, judging, discussing placements, or planning what needs to happen Monday at practice, consider saying five words:
"I loved watching you compete."
Then see where they take the conversation.
Sometimes saying less than necessary is exactly what our children need.
About North County Gymnastics & Gyminny Kids
North County Gymnastics and Gyminny Kids have served San Diego families for nearly four decades, providing gymnastics, ninja, and youth fitness programs from introductory classes through high-level competitive gymnastics.
Our programs include parent-tot and preschool gymnastics, recreational boys and girls gymnastics, tumbling, ninja, pre-team, Xcel, Development Program gymnastics, competitive boys gymnastics, and pathways through Level 10, college gymnastics opportunities, and elite-level training.
Across our programs, our objective goes beyond developing gymnastics skills.
Our mission is: Fun and fitness while teaching character through sport.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What should parents say immediately after a gymnastics meet?
One of the best things you can say is, "I loved watching you compete." You can also praise effort, courage, sportsmanship, resilience, or how your child supported teammates. Allow your gymnast to talk about the competition before offering your own analysis.
Should parents critique gymnastics routines after a meet?
Generally, leave technical corrections to the gymnast's coaches. Even a parent who understands gymnastics can benefit from separating the coach and parent roles. If your child asks for your opinion, listen first and consider whether the conversation needs to happen immediately.
What should I say when my gymnast has a bad meet?
Acknowledge the disappointment rather than trying to eliminate it immediately. Let your gymnast know you enjoyed watching them and that your support isn't dependent on the outcome. Failure and disappointment can become important opportunities for developing resilience.
Should parents talk about gymnastics scores?
There's nothing inherently wrong with discussing scores, but scores shouldn't become the sole definition of success. Effort, courage, preparation, improvement, sportsmanship, resilience, and how you respond to mistakes are important measures of development too.
How can parents reduce pressure before a gymnastics competition?
Avoid last-minute technical coaching and reminders about scores or placements. Create a calm environment, reinforce that you enjoy watching your child compete, and allow the gymnast and coach to handle the technical preparation.
How involved should parents be in competitive gymnastics?
Research generally supports positive, developmentally appropriate involvement rather than either complete disengagement or excessive control. Parents can provide emotional, practical, and financial support while allowing athletes increasing ownership of their sport as they mature.
How can I be a better gymnastics parent?
Support more than you evaluate. Listen more than you lecture. Praise controllable behaviors such as effort, courage, resilience, preparation, and sportsmanship. Maintain a healthy relationship with your child's coaches, and make sure your gymnast understands that your relationship with them isn't dependent on performance.
Research Referenced
Harwood, C. G., & Knight, C. J. Parenting in Youth Sport: A Position Paper on Parenting Expertise. Psychology of Sport and Exercise.
Mossman, G. J., & Cronin, L. D. Life Skills Development and Enjoyment in Youth Soccer: The Importance of Parental Behaviors. Journal of Sports Sciences.
Sánchez-Miguel, P. A., et al. The Importance of Parents' Behavior in Their Children's Enjoyment and Amotivation in Sports. Journal of Human Kinetics.
Knight, C. J., Neely, K. C., & Holt, N. L. Parental Behaviors in Team Sports: How Do Female Athletes Want Parents to Behave? Journal of Applied Sport Psychology.
Frontiers in Psychology. The Role of Parents in the Motivation of Young Athletes: A Systematic Review. 2023.
